I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
