i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
