picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
