The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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