goodnight i made you a song goodbye
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
