Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
