In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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