A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
