i'm lost and i look like a hooker
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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