he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
