So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
