Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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