Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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