have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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