allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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