Who wears a wallet chain?!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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