Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
