i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
