Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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