Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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