Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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