went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
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