Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
