On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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