WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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