She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
