Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize