rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
