I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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