Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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