you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
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