I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
