when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
