I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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