Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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