quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize