i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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