Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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