I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
