I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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