You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
