Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
im on a boat
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