There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
