I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
