if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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