I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
