pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
