Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
