I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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