I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
