Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
