I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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