And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
