I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize