if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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