Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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