He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
