meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
