If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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